The day after the election, the wimpy meme “give him a chance” debuted on TV news shows and social-media sites. Since then it’s been popping up regularly in response to challenges to his qualifications and to statements like “He’s not my president.” “Hey,” the response typically goes, “he hasn’t even been sworn in. Give him a chance.”
In other circumstances—for instance, when a normal candidate runs a normal campaign and wins an election—this could pass for a reasonable thing to say. But Trump was a wildly abnormal candidate and his campaign was like nothing we’ve ever seen. Anyone who has been following actual news sources, has at least a third-grade education, and is not a white supremacist understands that Donald Trump is capable of doing an incalculable amount of damage to every creature on Earth, and to the planet itself, if he is allowed free rein as president of the United States of America.
Nonetheless, because I am open-minded, I am willing to give him that “chance”—with these caveats:
- He must admit that he knew all along that President Obama was not a secret Muslim, and that coming out as a “birther” was a trial balloon, a probe to determine whether there were enough bigots in the country to support Trump in a run for the highest office in the land.
- He must immediately release his last several years of tax returns, as all modern presidential candidates have done. Since tax experts and the IRS itself have said that there is no prohibition against releasing returns while under audit, he cannot use that as an excuse.
- He must admit that his pledge to build a 1,900-mile-long wall between the U.S. and Mexico, and to make Mexico pay for it, was nothing more than a ridiculous campaign stunt; that he found it hilarious that anyone actually believed him; and that of course he never had the slightest intention of building such a thing.
- He must make a joint appearance (covered by the White House press pool) with Khizr and Ghazala Khan at the Arlington National Cemetery grave of the Khan’s son, Army captain Humayun Khan. There he must apologize to the Khans for repeatedly insulting them; specifically, he must 1) admit that his insults were designed to attract bigoted supporters, and 2) repeat verbatim the words he said (reading from a teleprompter if necessary) when he accused Mrs. Khan of not being allowed to speak because of her religion, then explain why he understands that there are perfectly good reasons why any mother would choose not to speak, or be incapable of speaking, about her dead hero child in front of television cameras.
- He must give a speech—reading from a teleprompter if necessary; minimum length, ten minutes—explaining the importance of a free press in a democratic society. No negative words will be permitted unless they are directed at those who would thwart the freedom of the press.
- He must clearly state that he paid a $25 million settlement to the plaintiffs in the Trump University lawsuit, and that this was far from the first lawsuit he has settled with a cash payment. While he is permitted to say that he wasn’t legally required to admit his guilt, he must not say that this was a victory, an exoneration, or in any way to be construed as good news for him.
- He must sell his businesses—all of them—and put the proceeds into a genuine blind trust.
- He must go at least two weeks without telling a lie (as adjudicated by his choice of PolitiFact, FactCheck.org, or the Washington Post’s Fact Checker).
- He must release a YouTube video, minimum length five minutes, in which he forcefully distances himself from David Duke, the Ku Klux Klan, all white-nationalist and alt-right organizations, and Breitbart News. Furthermore, he must vow that because he is a bigot, Stephen Bannon will never have a place in the Trump White House, nor will he be sought for advice of any sort.
- He must admit that he knows global climate change is real, that it is not a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese, and that, once again, he lied about it to attract ignorant voters.
- He must attend Shabbat services, wearing a yarmulke (skullcap) and a talit (prayer shawl), for at least four consecutive weeks with his daughter Ivanka and/or her Orthodox Jewish inlaws. He is to be greeted and photographed by the press corps upon his arrival at the temple and interviewed by the press after each service. He must be wearing the yarmulke and talit prior to his arrival and they must remain in place until he is out of sight of the press corps.
- He must appear in a YouTube video of no less than ten minutes length reading a number of passages from the Koran (to be selected by a leading American imam, and of which he will not be informed prior to the video-studio session). After each passage he is to give a respectful analysis, to the best of his ability. If his analysis is judged (by the same imam) to be frivolous, disrespectful, or stupid, he will be directed to an alternate passage where the same rule will apply. There is no upper time limit to the video.
- He must appear as a surprise guest with the headliner(s) at a major-stadium rap concert. He will accompany the star(s) in the performance of a hit number, rapping the words from a teleprompter if necessary. If he is judged by the star(s) to be unenthusiastic in any aspect of his performance, he must perform another tune, and another, and another, and so forth, until he receives the approval of the star(s).
- He must appear in a self-funded “infomercial,” live, solving the “Rubik’s Cube” puzzle, doing a Wednesday New York Times crossword puzzle, and reminiscing at length—without the help of a teleprompter—about his five best childhood friends.
I’ll settle for any ten of the above. But why stop here when the list could easily go on for dozens of pages? Because this is not meant as a rigorous test to determine if Trump is worthy of my wholehearted support but, rather, a simple probe to determine whether or not I am willing to “give him a chance.” If he does not check at least ten of the boxes—and I’ll be surprised if he checks off even one of them—I’ll know that he does not deserve a chance, and he will certainly not be getting one from me.
The ball is in your court, Don.
Gabriel Rocha
http://tinyurl.com/n82nz6c
