That Hollywood’s celebrity elite tend to lean to the political left is a given. But the unspoken truth is that surprisingly many of today’s stars are secretly supporters of Donald Trump and the “alt-right” causes he espouses. Here, published for the first time, is a partial list of these closet Republicans in the entertainment industry and their political agendas.
THE JOKER – With his facial muscles frozen into a rictus of mirthless faux-hilarity, this beloved/behated star of the “Batman” franchise has long felt like an outcast at the Hollywood glitterati’s more chi-chi soirees. But his cretinous visage of sadistic rage and witless nihilism fits right in at any Donald Trump rally. The Joker’s hope is that a Trump victory might well ensure a new cultural norm: Pasty-white, socially retarded, humorless louts who think they’re funny could become the standard by which attractiveness is measured. The Joker might then realize his ambition of becoming his generation’s Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper. Can leading-man roles in romantic comedies and period costume dramas be far behind? No wonder the superstar’s tax returns reveal a donation of “a gazillion dollars mwa-ha-ha” to the Trump campaign.
THE HULK – Yes, by day he may be mild-mannered intellectual Bruce Banner, but when infuriated he transforms into a superhumanly-strong man-beast intent on wreaking destruction upon those who would oppose him. Traditionally he’s used his massive fists to pound his enemies into a bloody pulp — but lately he’s taken to writing terrifyingly enormous checks to the RNC. Over recent years The Hulk’s long-rumored racist sympathies have led to unfortunate alliances with several radical Green Supremacist movements. Informed, terrified sources claim that The Hulk is the shadowy moneyman behind Mr. Trump’s secret MAWA (“Make America Wince Again”) super-PAC.
GOLDFINGER – It’s not difficult to see why the renegade bullion dealer would support the Republican cause. Why bother exploding a dirty bomb in Fort Knox to devalue the gold stockpile upon which the entire U.S. economy is founded, when Mr. Trump’s economic agenda can do it for you? Extreme anti-trade policies, shutting off the supply of immigrants who do America’s low-paying dirty work, and warmed-over trickle-down Reaganonomics will suffice – without the muss and fuss of acquiring a North Korean nuclear bomb and hiring a squadron of large-breasted lesbian stunt pilots to slaughter thousands of Americans. Goldfinger’s secondary agenda is to fulfill Mr. Trump’s promise to improve TSA screening procedures by replacing the current workforce with teams of large-breasted lesbian ex-pilots, who will perform invasive body searches, thereby increasing wait times but reducing complaints.
DR. EVIL – Austin Powers’ nemesis has one overriding reason to throw his metaphorical hat into Mr. Trump’s ring: the bald-pated megalomaniac longs, above all else, for hair – and Mr. Trump has far more of it than any current candidate, including Hillary Clinton. Convinced that Mr. Trump’s hair is the result of a nuclear accident gone wonderfully wrong, Dr. Evil hopes a Trump administration will underwrite a similar Superfund site on his own head. Evil is also a strong believer in Mr. Trump’s healthcare policy of “somethin’ terrific.”
BIZARRO – The supervillain from planet Htrae, whose endearingly “backwards” personality has graced many comics and TV versions of Superman, is a natural adherent to Mr. Trump’s various policies. Vowing to bomb ISIS despite it having no fixed geographical location, promising to fire Generals while complaining that their policies have not been followed, pledging to vastly increase the size of the military and its arsenal while cutting taxes, demeaning war heroes for getting captured, accepting a Purple Heart while having dodged military service five times, swearing to love the Bible while having no idea what’s in it, openly admiring the “82-percent approval rating” of a despot who jails and murders journalists and political opponents, and espousing Christian values while exhibiting qualities of character that would make Jesus spit-take his Passover wine — all this and more make perfect sense in the reverse-logic of Bizarro’s world. As a result, the criminal mastermind donated $1,000,000 – to the Clinton campaign.
CATWOMAN – With her lust for money, her alluring skintight black jumpsuit, and her penchant for puns using the words “tail,” “pussy,” and “me-ow,” Catwoman embodies the kind of woman most in synch with Mr. Trump’s world view: a highly-confected prostitute. Catwoman remains the only female show business celebrity who is known to support Donald Trump. (Yes, Ann Coulter is in some sense a show biz, celebrity, but her gender, and indeed her status as human, remain in question). It is worth noting that Catwoman and Melania have never been seen together at the same time.
_2.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120423173409){kind=link}