Make America Drunk Again: The Politically Correct Cocktails of the Democratic National Convention

Apparently a heavily bearded, tastefully tattooed mixologist by the name of Fink, who bartends at an unnamed watering hole in Redhook, Brooklyn, was asked to create a custom cocktail menu for the Democratic National Convention. He spent a long weekend in his test kitchen, and came up with these cocktails. This cheat sheet has been distributed to all the pertinent hotels and bars in the Philadelphia area. We found one in an airport hotel bar restroom, and we share it with you.

Satan’s Bubbly (aka The Donald)

2 ounces of Trump Super-Premium Vodka, which is the greatest vodka, believe me
2 ounces of Trump Chardonnay, which, believe me, it’s the best, it’s terrific
2 ounces Trump Pink “Champagne” which is really phenomenal, better than anything in France
6 ounces Trump Ice Pure Spring Water. It’s the purest, no water is purer
Top with a spritz of Trump cologne, which is spectacular, by the way

1. Pour these very successful ingredients into a gold-rimmed “crystal” plastic goblet filled with the absolute best ice chips.
2. Top with a Chinese-made cherry, which may or may not be recalled due to poisonous dye.
3. Stir with a gold-plated stirrer, held by very normal, really very sizable hands.
4. Continue to stir with authority and some really great braggadocio. The best braggadocio. The BEST STIRRING.
5. Top with a sprinkling of gold flakes. Real gold, folks.
6. Don’t drink it, because you don’t drink alcohol, but sell it to some schmuck for $75, because it’s SPECTACULAR.

Your Soul for A Pence (aka the Mike Pence)

1 ounce White Lightning
2 ounces Big Red Soda
1 ounce tobacco juice
1 ounce abandoned moral superiority
Dash of unctuous toadying

1. Pour over ice chipped from a calved glacier that is slowly melting, but not because of global warming.
2. Stir with a chilled Vaginal Wand.
3. Top with a cap of tightly coiffed Redi-whip.
4. Serve with a side of crow.
5. Sip with a frozen smile, while you lose the last vestiges of your Hoosier values. Ignore the dull pangs of regret in the pit of your Hoosier soul.

The Scott Walker

1 ounce Everclear
2 ounces whipped Cheese Curds
1/2 ounce curdled Milk from a non-Union facility

1. Add ingredients to a highball glass filled with crushed souls.
2. Top with a splash of ice cold Koch.
3. Stare at the concoction with your dead doll eyes while you think of the mess that has been made of Wisconsin.
4. Gently stir with the bones of a Labor activist. Sip while practicing your human smile.

Ryan’s Degradation

6 ounces Irish Whiskey
2 ounces Pepto Bismol
1 ounce Angostura Bitters
1 dash Shared Principles
1 dash Common Ground

1. Serve with a carafe of chilled Alka-seltzer, to aid in digesting the debasement you continually deny you’re swallowing.
2. Sip this abomination while cutting lunch programs for children.

The Zodiac Killer (aka the Ted Cruz)

2 ounces Angostura Bitters
1 ounce Cynar
1 ounce bile
A dash of bitter tears

Best served cold.

(For the “Caribbean Cruz,” add a meager splash of Pre-Castro Cuban rum and an umbrella made by underpaid child laborers.)
Fort Lee Sour (aka the Chris Christie)

Fill an orange traffic cone with ice. Add:

2 ounces New Jersey Rum
1 ounce pulp from the shredded emails of Bridget Kelly
Top with a full bottle of Fat Bastard Ale
Dash of brownnosing
Dollop of sycophantic obeisance

1. Shake vigorously while stuck in traffic for four hours.
2. Pour into giant slurpee cup and down several in quick succession, while a crowd feverishly chants “Guilty! Guilty!”
3. Mull over your utter disgrace and decline.

The Chinless Wonder (The Mitch McConnell)

2 ounces Old Granddad bourbon
2 ounces terrapin broth
1 ounce lukewarm milk
Juice of one lemon

1. Mix and pour into an old mug you found on the bottom shelf of your mother’s pantry.
2. Serve with a straw, but still have trouble sipping through your thin, cruel, turtle lips.

(If someone wants to add a really good ingredient that would make this drink so much better, obstruct them at every turn.)
Bob Dole’s Decaying Carcass

2 ounces I have no idea why I’m here
1 ounce Jesus Who is that Man and Why is he Yelling So Much
1 ounce Oh My God What Have I Done
1 Dash Thank God My Shame May Die With Me

1. Shake vigorously with your one good arm.
2. Try to remember the happy days.