I know what it takes to DEVASTATE Jared Kushner to where he can’t scale the Washington Monument fast enough to launch himself headlong toward the National Mall below in giddy anticipation of sweet release. I understand how to ANNIHILATE Kellyanne Conway’s talking points so decisively that her brain neurons self-detonate in shame. Yes, after feverishly brainstorming day and night for nearly two years, I finally realize how I can COMPLETELY HUMILIATE Paul Ryan so thoroughly that he willingly drops trou and recites Ezekiel 25:15 in a Larry The Cable Guy drawl right there on the House floor, because that humiliation is not humiliation (in comparison).
What is this Doomsday device of which I speaketh? I’m glad you asked. I’m talking about nothing less than that internet mic drop, that inarguable-with graphic gotcha, that combination of image and text that cannot be gainsaid by nobody nohow.
I mean the meme, of course. But not just any meme, my friends. No, I’m talking about a Super Meme™. The Meme To End All Memes™. A Meme To Trigger The Second Coming™ By A Righteous Jesus Who Will Say Unto Mankind, “Behold, For I Am Come Because of That Awesome Fucking Meme.” I’m not anti-meme. On the contrary: you can’t spell “meme” without mentioning me. Twice!
Let me first describe the essence of the meme I shall bring to life: Imagine, if you dare, a condescending Willy Wonka, dismissive tea-drinking Kermit the Frog, and hysterically laughing Ray Liotta getting wasted together on a libtard’s tears and engaging in a threesome so sloppy yet so commanding that the authors of the Kuma Sutra would both blush and be cowed. And from this cultural and intellectual Big Bang was birthed some kind of Frankenstein meme capable of obliterating the viewer’s consciousness by merely being within its personal space’s personal space’s personal space.
This is the meme I shall mine from my mind. I am the Victor Frankenstein of 4chan, and my meme will be my viral monster. Yes, I will bring to life an internet creature that picks daisies lakeside with the child who can’t yet fathom the depths of the creature’s raw truth bonanza, but causes the likes of Lindsay Graham to wither like said daisies in late October’s first frost of the season. My meme will multiple and rampage through Facebook and Reddit, scorch Twitter, and lay waste to Instagram itself.
Now, I just gotta’ create the actual meme. Time to brainstorm:
How about this? An incredulous Jean-Luc Picard, sans Patrick Stewart but instead played by Grumpy Cat. In other words, an incredulous Jean-Luc Pa-Grumpy Cat™. The meme says “COMON’, MITCH MCCONNELL. DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T HAVE 12 INCREMENTALLY SMALLER MITCH MCCONNELLS IN THAT DROOPY CHIN SHEATH OF YOURS.”
Nah, that’s simply too much Mitch McConnell. I don’t want to scare the children.
Ok, how about this? The Most Interesting Willy Wonka in the World™. “I DON’T ALWAYS EAT SNOZZBERRIES. BUT WHEN I DO, I BUY THEM AT LABOR UNION BAKE SALES BECAUSE LABOR UNIONS BUILT THE MIDDLE CLASS AND DESERVE OUR SUPPORT.”
Scratch that. Too wordy. But labor unions really did build the middle class.
Ok. Ok. Try this on for size. The old school comic book panel of Batman slapping Robin, but Batman is slapping Mike Pence instead. And it simply says “FUCK YOU MIKE PENCE.”
Hold on to that one.
You know those memes with the little 4-year-old holding up a fist like he’s all pissed? Well, try this on for size: It’s the same little kid, but he’s drinking a pitcher of tea. And next to him is Kermit the Frog, and he’s brandishing a closed fist. “WHILE SCHOOL KIDS ARE BEING GUNNED DOWN, THE GOP OFFERS “THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS”. BUT THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS AREN’T GOING TO BE NEARLY ENOUGH WHEN KERMIT THE FROG PUNCHES YOU IN YOUR GODDAMN THROAT. BUT THAT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.”
Christ, will that all even fit in a meme? Maybe if I buy billboard space along the highway. Put that in the “maybe” pile. Also, save money for billboard space.
Here’s an idea. It’s the “That Would Be Great” suspenders-wearing guy from Office Space. He’s leaning forward and resting his hands on his knuckles in the classic “condescending Willy Wonka” pose. And he says “YO SARAH HUCKABEE-SANDERS. TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO IS TWO WEEKS REMOVED FROM HAVING A FACE TRANSPLANT, AND THE BODY IS CLEARLY REJECTING THE NEW TISSUE.” And—catch this—Ray Liotta is in the background hysterically laughing at the cruel burn.
Too harsh? Maybe.
What if I combine all the most timeless savage memes into a single meme. If each existing meme is already a solid 10-out-of-10 on the Reality Obliteration Meter™, the exponential effect of stitching them together would be about a 1,007-out-of-10 on the Reality Obliteration Meter™. Yes! That’s it! It’s time to put an end to internet memes as we know them. Time to end the folly of humanity in one mighty swoop. Rise, my creation! Rise, Super Ultra Mega Meme™: World’s Most Interesting Suspenders-Wearing Hysterically Laughing Tea Drinking Willy Wonka™ slapping Robin who is being held in place by Grumpy Toddler Ray Liotta™. The caption? “I DON’T ALWAYS MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. BUT WHEN I DO, TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW THAT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.” No wait. That’s silly. “LOCK HER UP? THAT WOULD BE GREAT, EXCEPT CONSONANT, CONSONANT, VOWEL, CONSONANT, VOWEL, WIND CHIMES, VOWEL, CONSONANT, BLAH, BLAH, RICKSHAW PILE UP, YADDA, YADDA, VOWEL, BLAH, HIGH PITCH YELP OF FAWN CAUGHT IN BEAR TRAP, YADDA, CONSONANT, CONSONANT, IAN ANDERSON FLUTE SOLO, BLAH… BUT HER EMAILS!!! .” Hmmm. Almost there. “PLEASE, TELL ME MORE ABOUT WHY I’M SLAPPING THE MOST INTERESTING SUSPENDERS IN THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE BLADDERPUFF WIPPITYCLUMP BLINGERSPLEEN.”
Wait. Timeout. I’ll tell you what. Let me just think on the Super Ultra Mega Meme™ a few more days. Until then, I’ll just go with a simple placeholder meme of someone—anyone—bitch-slapping Mike Pence point blank period straight in his dumb face.
April Pink
http://tinyurl.com/q5bfg63
