Like most politically-aware Americans, you may find yourself obsessively thinking about the recent turn of events which threatens our nation, the future of democracy, and the physical fate of the world. It’s important in these trying times to take a mental break from thinking about certain things, especially…you know…The Thing. It’s what I call The Thing That Happened. Now I’m not going to mention it again for the rest of this article.
It can be difficult, not thinking about an 800-pound gorilla in the room, especially when it so much resembles an 800-pound gorilla. Here are some handy tips to help distract you from the thing that I didn’t just mention. With a little practice you’ll find that retraining your mind not to think about things is so easy that even an idiot can do it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean an idiot like the thing who we’re not talking about or the idiots who voted for him… it. Just forget I mentioned it. And by “it” I don’t mean the thing.
Here are the tips:
- TURN OFF THE NEWS. Your brain is stuck in its own react-and-rage news cycle, so try watching something that has no relationship whatsoever to whatever it is we just forgot about. For example, Turner Classic Movies shows delightful old films from a more innocent time. It’s refreshing to let a timeless classic like Citizen Kane whisk you away on the journey of a wealthy and privileged man’s rise to becoming an immensely powerful media titan who runs for President… OR they show lots of other movies too. Citizen Kane isn’t the only classic movie in the world, you know. There are movies that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the thing we don’t want to think about. Like… I don’t know. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. That’s just a light romantic comedy set in a charming fairy-tale New York before developers moved in and built hideous high-rises. It does have that racist performance by Mickey Rooney, and its title refers to a jewelry store, which makes one wonder who would name a daughter for a jewelery sto… No, never mind. That’s a bad example. It’s a dumb movie anyway. I did like Audrey Hepburn’s hair, though. Back when people had classy hairstyles instead of some weird, dyed, comb-over… Shit. Okay, how about Christmas movies? Like Miracle on 34th Street, which is set in New York, so forget that. Or It’s a Wonderful Life, with that great scene where Jimmy Stewart is running through the snow, before global climate change was even an issue, but Jesus, you can watch a scene set in the snow without thinking about what’s going to happen to the world with oil corporation executives in charge of the EPA and abandoning the Paris Accord, can’t you? Snow also brings to mind beauty and purity and childlike wonder and traditional Old World values in places like Russia. Which is now our friend, and gee, it made sure of that, didn’t it? But interfering with American elections to help place a “useful idiot” in the position of ultimate value to them is not important. What’s important is that Jimmy Stewart is running through the snow because he wants to commit suicide. So don’t watch that movie. Sports. Watch football. Watching the mindless spectacle of 280-pound thugs smashing each other is sure to take your mind off a 280-pound thug smashing the Constitution. Just be sure to look away from the TV whenever they cut to a shot of the yowling louts in the stands, because you won’t be able to not wonder how many of them voted for whoever they might have voted for in some election which there’s no point in continuing to think about.
- SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY. Except for Uncle Dick. Aptly named. Gee, I can’t imagine who he voted for.
- CLIMB MT. EVEREST. Whether because of the hideously frigid temperatures, treacherous ice, and lack of oxygen, or because the place is mobbed with hobbyist climbers, rich dilettantes, and IMAX documentarians, it’s impossible to think about anything while schlepping up the world’s tallest mountain. Of course, once you reach the summit, there’s nowhere else to go. You have to stop. So you start thinking about stuff. Not only that, you think about stuff and you have to trudge back down the whole mountain. So never mind.
- LISTEN TO CLASSICAL MUSIC. Music is the art form that bypasses the intellect and speaks most directly to the human soul. So turn off NPR and let the glorious strains of Mozart and Bach and Tchaikovsky… although he’s Russian, so forget him. No, forget the fucking Russians. Christ, you think nobody ever composed classical music besides those goddam election-stealers? Grieg. Edvard Grieg. He’s Norwegian or something so you can listen to him. The Peer Gynt Suite. There you go. Nobody even knows what or who Peer Gynt is, so you’re not likely to make any mental connections between it and something you’re not thinking about anymore. And everybody likes that catchy melody from it. You know the one. “In the Hall of the Mountain King.” Dah dah dah dum dum dum. Dum, dum dum, dum dum dum. It always makes me picture some huge, fat, hideous King on a throne, lording it over… Oh, fuck.
Craig Duffy
http://tinyurl.com/oall5zn
