We live in what, by wide acclaim, is a new Golden Age of Television. With the proliferation of distribution “platforms” (broadcast; cable; online streaming) and the vastly reduced cost of video production, has come an almost overwhelming array of top-quality programs and series for every taste. No dinner party or lunchtime gathering is complete without a rundown of what everyone is currently watching, what they’re “behind on” or “almost finished” or “just about to start,” and how, via DVR or On Demand or DVD, they plan to proceed.
But with this bounty of good programming comes a worrying side-effect: a reduction in physical exercise. For the vast proportion of viewers, to watch television—even great television—is to sit on one’s couch or chair or in bed, and barely move, apart from snacking and aiming the remote and going to the bathroom and things like that. And so we find ourselves making an unhealthy tradeoff—mental and aesthetic stimulation in exchange for sedentary somatic decay.
Fortunately, experts in tv-watching and exercising have studied the issue, and discovered that tv watchers are much more motivated to perform simple, health-giving exercises while watching, if the movements are tied to the fundamentals of the programming being watched. Yes, it seems obvious in retrospect, but so does everything else, so don’t worry about it.
Below, then, we present a series of simple calisthenics geared to a variety of television genres. Select your favorites and watch—literally—how hours in front of the screen needn’t subtract years from your life.
Sparring No Suspense — Gumshoes, police detectives, superheroes, women-with-agency refusing to be victims: you love them all. But as your heroes avoid becoming corpses, you, the viewer, are growing corpulent. So ”get a clue.” Start off by actually sitting on the edge of your seat. And when the fisticuffs start on-screen, help out your heroes from home: Put up your dukes and give ‘em—or the air, at least– the old one-two, with a roundhouse right, some sweeping kicks, a haymaker left, and a few head-butts. (Tip: Remember to throw your elbows back as you snap your neck forward to get the full aerobic benefit of the move.) It’s tiring, toning, and terrific!
Love, Actualizing — Too bad the light, frothy sentimentality of a rom-com goes so well with prosecco and a selection of cheeses or paté! Don’t fall for it. Instead, get your heart throbbing as you watch, by “signing” the action: when he and she (or he and he, or she and she, or whoever) kiss, hug yourself HARD, hold each squeeze and your breath for ten seconds, then release with a sigh. When they fight, stand, with feet at shoulder width, knees slightly bent, and arms akimbo; then twist at the waist as far as you can, inhaling as you twist, exhaling as you return to center. When he finally proposes, drop to one knee, then get up and drop to the other knee. Repeat repeatedly with all knees until the scene is over. And when the film or episode reaches its climax(es): Ten push-ups. Was it good for them? Who cares! It’ll be great for you.
Rocking Horror — You’re a big fan of B slasher flicks, ghost stories, serial killer serials, zombie series, vampire sagas — and you’re fattening yourself up for the kill. What to do? Remember that exercise ball you bought and haven’t thought about, much less used, in over three years? Get it out and literally sit on it. You’ll find that every jump-out-of-your-skin moment, every cringe and flinch, induces a more or less terrifying loss of balance. Between the adrenaline surge at imminent falling, and clawing at the air to remain upright, you’ll be burning calories like mad.
Note: At first, you’ll find that you actually cannot maintain your balance, and will, in fact, fall to the floor, often awkwardly and very painfully, leaving visible bruising and scars. So move that coffee table out of the way — and maybe share this article with your co-workers in advance, so they don’t think you’ve been a victim of domestic violence. Of course, the more you do this, the better you’ll get at staying “on the ball.” So expand your moves: spin around, bounce up and down, hop across the floor and out of the house and down the street. Sure, everyone who sees will think you’re weird, and summon the police. But scrambling up in embarrassment and running back inside is aerobic, too. (Don’t forget the ball.)
ROFL — Comedies just seem to get funnier, or at least kookier, or at least something, with each passing year. Where do they come up with this stuff? Hilarious, occasionally! But what you’re seeing on the bathroom scale is not so funny. How do you handle those love-handles? Just get down and dirty! When those punch lines land, lie down and literally roll on the floor laughing. And—since watching comedy is always more fun in a group–try this with a few friends. Screen a classic comedy that everyone knows by heart, like The Big Lebowski. When you and everyone else are competitively shouting out those beloved lines, the aerobic value of your writhing skyrockets — plus, when you’re short of breath, it’s hard to eat pizza and other fattening snacks. You can honestly say to yourself, “I am LMFAO!”
This list is by no means definitive. It omits such popular movie and TV genres as science fiction, talk shows, reality television, sports, news and documentaries, children’s television, family entertainment, and disaster coverage. But you get the idea. No matter what your taste in streaming media, you can come up with your own routines. Show Esther Williams that you can sync along with her swimmers! Dance along with Fred and Ginger or John Travolta or Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey or whomever. Show all those cowpokes in the posse you can ride your pony! Make swimmy motions to marine biology shows. Run around the living room screaming in terror as the aliens invade. In other words, don’t just sit there. Do something.
