A Brief Guide for Children of Elderly Parents
As our parents slip gently into their “I used to own Alberta” years, it’s common to get a text message that confuses or scares. A new question may arise: has my mother, in a distant city that I moved away from to avoid having to return all the butter she buys every week at Costco, had a brain-exploding stroke? Or is this probably just Autocorrect? Should I call an ambulance, or should I reply, “Wookie in your yarmulke? Do you mean you saw a woodpecker in your yard?”
As with white supremacists marching in our cities, context is everything. It is not as easy as having a list of suspect words, but here anyway is such a list.
Words or phrases indicating Autocorrect:
- Innocent Bostoner (bystander)
- Buckingham pearl necklace (palace)
- Emily dick holster (Dickinson)
Words or phrases indicating Stroke:
- dragon spit in Mabel eggnog
- your sister the fucky fuckaholic
- glrrrrthhhggggg
Keep in mind that one of the side effects of stroke is trouble typing on a small keyboard while stumbling down the street wearing a compostable trash bag.
But, except where there are bees, panic is not helpful. Ask yourself sensible questions. Like, if a parent should ask if you’ve “seen the coagulated pornsocks”:
- Could this be the nickname of a fondly remembered childhood pony?
- With a change of spelling might it become an endearment, such as “cherished pootyface”?
- Least tastefully: check any socks left in dad’s room from the last time he visited.
It would be a pity to call 9-1-1 in Pensacola then remember an hour later that your father’s neighbor keeps Congolese peacocks. But it would also be a pity to later realize this is how someone lying in the garage with blood in only half of their brain spells “Call Paramedics.”
Even though context is everything, empathy is also everything. Try to imagine yourself squinting through one barely-working eye and typing the following phrases:
- oh the god I never believed in please help me
- I can’t feel my waist
- Leave everything to cat
Work backwards. Imagine yourself texting either a) with arthritic fingers, always perceiving the world like you’ve had three beers or b) while feeling like you’re a shelter dog that’s done two tabs of acid at a Primus concert. One set of errors is closer to the intended message, while the other is a cry from the far side of the asteroid belt of humanity:
INTENDED: Can’t see movies on my Netflix
AUTOCORRECTED: Can’t move my cervix
INTENDED: Where nearest hospital?
STROKE: Bears eating dancer on lawn
INTENDED: Did you miss Tabitha’s graduation?
AUTOCORRECTED: Did you masturbate gradually?
INTENDED: What’s combination to gun safe?
STROKE: Impudent Folgers handpuppet!!!!
The two “reality levels” for the frustrated senior are different. Think of a family game of Charades where you’re trying to guess “an Occupation.” Autocorrect is your mother or father not remembering the gesture for “first syllable.” A stroke is them imagining they’re on trial for stealing a lighthouse.
Study the signs and be vigilant for your parents’ sake. Knowing the difference between Autocorrect and Stroke can mean the difference between imminent death and a slightly more pleasant death a few years later.
veganstraightedge
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