Hi. I’m Thomas Jefferson–with a question for all you liberals, progressives, Democrats, sensible Independents, disillusioned Republicans, and anybody else who knows how many beans make six and what a loathsome buffoon Donald Trump is.
The Republican Party is in a state of turmoil. They’ve hitched their wagon to an egomaniac who literally doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies.
Trump brags about committing sexual assault—and then says he never actually did it, which means he lies about committing sexual assault. Congresspeople are offended. Senators are offended. Their wives, husbands, children, and house pets are offended. The editorial boards of Republican fucking newspapers are offended.
And so the GOP is in a state of civil war and rancorous tumult and continual uproar. Its chairman pulls money from the Trump campaign to channel it to downticket candidates in a desperate attempt to minimize the damage. Former open or tacit supporters of Trump can’t leap off the sinking ship fast enough. Every day brings thrilling new headlines about public disavowals or lamebrain defenses concerning this swaggering, bloated nightmare of a candidate. GOP sponsors aren’t answering the phone. Spokespeople mouth nonsense even they don’t believe. Party grandees mutter “No comment” and run for the limos.
Sure, it’s great fun. But if, as someone once said, politics is show business for ugly people, then you’ve got a decision to make.
Show business means movies. And movies means popcorn.
So let me, Thomas Jefferson, ask you:
What kind of popcorn are you going to whip up to chomp and snarf in glee throughout all these highly entertaining proceedings?
What kind of popcorn are you going to be eating, hand over fist, during the hilarious if appalling proceedings of the next four weeks?
What kind of popcorn will be worthy of the excitement of the ensuing revelations of what Trump said, in public, about God knows who and in Christ knows what context?
What kind of popcorn will be good enough to soak up all that booze you imbibe during the drinking game that will be the third debate?
The usual? I (Thomas Jefferson) don’t think so.
Only one brand can stand up to the demands that will put upon the nation’s popcorn from now until November 8th.
It’s delicious, it’s completely or at least mainly all natural, and it’s the only brand named after a Founding Father.
It’s
You don’t have to be a Democrat, a liberal, or even a Hillary supporter to enjoy Jeffy Pop. You just need to have enough brain matter left to recognize what a loathsome danger to the republic, and the world, Donald Trump is.
And Jeffy Pop is great with whatever you’re drinking. From PBR to the latest fancy martini, keep it handy, because you’ll need it. And keep Jeffy Pop handy, too.
Take it from me, Thomas Jefferson.
Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but schadenfreude is a dish best enjoyed with the finest popcorn money can buy.
Tell ‘em Tom sent you. And if they say “Tom who?” tell ‘em “Thomas Jefferson, dipshit. Doing his part to declare America’s independence from the poisoned GOP, and to put Donald Trump’s political career into an early grave.”
Jeffy Pop. From the makers of Patrick Henry sausage products, where we say, “Give me liverwurst or give me death.”
