Previously, we expressed our dissatisfaction with the opening ceremonies of many of America’s premiere sporting events, and suggested ways to augment them (http://tinyurl.com/jlbuqae). At that time we cited a need to replace our National Anthem, and noted that we were developing an improved set of lyrics for what we hoped would be an entirely new and better song.
That editorial prompted zero comments—more proof, as if any were needed, that its thesis was uncontroversial. The need for a new National Anthem is beyond debate. “The Star Spangled Banner,” while perhaps adequate to our patriotic requirements over the past two hundred years, is beginning to look more than a little long in the tooth. Its flaws, as a national song of inspiration and identity, are many and well-known.
Usually sung in ¾ time—i.e., the thing is a waltz, whose meter cannot possibly provide a stirring call to national resolve. Its lyrics are all questions, and tremulous, fearful ones at that: “Does our flag still fly? Are we still, as a nation, in business?” This is, in fact, the opposite of the bold statements and assertions of firm intent that any serious national anthem requires.
Too, the words are ambiguous; one cringes in anticipation of some hapless country-western star or hip-hop “artist” opening the Super Bowl by confusing “perilous fight” with “perilous night.” And let us finally confess that no one knows what “ramparts” are. Are they parts of rams? If not, why do they sound like it? If so, what can the body parts of male sheep possibly have to do with martial glory?
Worse, the anthem’s melody is based on a drinking song—from the very country with which we were at war when it was composed. Its tune is unsingable except by the worst kinds of vocal show-offs.
Therefore we have taken it upon ourselves to compose the lyrics of what we hope will become a new national anthem. In fact we have created no fewer than three alternate lyrics. We invite our readers with musical talent to put one, or indeed all, of them to a tune worthy of the Greatest Nation on Earth.
- The Mountain and the Magpie
Look at the mountain!
Listen to the magpie!
Wow, aren’t they
Great?
Just like us
Before it’s too late
Put down your blunderbuss
And stand with all Americans
For freedom, might, and liberty
Don’t be all flibberty-gibberty
But fight! Fight! Fight!
With a right! Left! Right!
Hail the mountain
Hail the magpie
Hail A-mer-i-ca
2. America, You’ve Got It!
That big expanse
And all that wheat
Just watch it dance
It’s sure a treat
America, You’ve Got It!
The Mississip
And big Pike’s Peak
Just bite your lip
Don’t try to speak.
America, You’ve Got It!
Ev’rybody knows that God thinks we’re great
Ev’rybody comes to see us
Ev’rybody throws a fit if they’re late
Ev’rybody wants to be us
The north and south
The east and west
Just read my mouth
We are the best
America, you’re hot
America, a lot
America, You’ve Got
It
3. Grill a Hot-Dog Now for Freedom
Put the charcoal in the chimney
Crumple up the local news
Light a match, and get all hymn-y
As you watch the fire diffuse
Burn the coals until they’re ready
Dump them out into the grill
Then scrape and clean the grate
Fold a piece of paper toweling
Get a dish of oil to dab
Grease the grate, don’t mind the growling
Of the neighbor’s chocolate Lab
Put the burgers and the dogs up-
On the fire and feel the thrill
Then tell them, “Now we wait.”
O America, America
We’re here, not over there-ica
America, let’s face it
You’re the Best.
O America, America
Message: We Care-ica
America, you ace it,
Ev’ry test.
Check each dog and ev’ry hamburg
Toss a salad made of greens
Lend an ear to Susan Stamberg
And her recipe for beans
Serve them with your favorite condiments
Drink anything you will
But say with ev’ry plate
O America, America
Each table and each chair-ica
America, our case, it
Now we rest.
Grill a Hot Dog Now for Freedom
Make a bunch, and then let’s eat ‘em
For America
We’re better than
The rest.
