[This past Tuesday marked the first time in its extensive history (going back to April) that The Sherman Oaks Review of Books failed to publish a new article on its official publication days of Tuesday or Friday. Reader reaction has been remarkably varied, running the gamut from outright relief to indignant accusations of betrayal. Below, a sample of representative correspondence.—Ed.]
To the Editor:
Thank you for not publishing anything this past Tuesday. It freed me up to finish my dissertation, obtain my Ph.D., secure an important research grant, and have a productive, happy life.
Serge Preissing
Walla Walla Washington Washington
To the Editor:
It so happened that I had made a bet with a friend that the Review would publish something new this past Tuesday. Because I lost the bet, I had to allow my friend to kill me, and now I am dead. This is very disappointing.
Algernon Bloom
Basis Point, MA
To the Editor:
Already stumbling, eh, lads? Ask me if I’m surprised. Well, rest assured that here at The Rancho Cucamonga Review of Books, we have no trouble meeting our quota of high-quality, intelligent, timely articles for the discerning review reader. I’m sure you lot consider yourselves to be the scrappy underdog of the review-of-books publishing world, but it ought not be forgotten that sometimes a scrappy underdog is little more than a mangy mutt.
C.W. Charles
The Rancho Cucamonga Review of Books
Rancho Cucamonga, CA
To the Editor:
Hey, sugar, you looking to party with a fun new friend? I’m to be coming to your Oaks very soon. Lets get together so send me your info. And I am not a bot or a similar.
Kyra Delicious
To the Editor:
I would like you to ask me to add you to my professional network at LinkedIn. My name is Abraham and I am the most prolific user of LinkedIn in the nation. That’s why they call me
Abraham LinkedIn
Gettysburg, The Nation
To the Editor:
Greetings Mr. Sherman Oats. I am an official with the IRS to inform you that you are in arrears in a matter of tax, and will be prosecuted unless you pay the amount specified. You are charged with incomplete filing, evasion and avoidance, tortoise assault, loss of condominium, debit of consortium, feloniousness of intent to defraud, and thelonius of monk.
To correct this situation, you are instructed to go to the nearest Target Store in the vicinity of your domicile, and to purchase two Gift Cards in the sum of 2,000$ (US money) and 1,500$ (US money). You are to mail these Gift Cards to this address:
Mr. John Smith
IRS
Postal Box 3216
Postal Dropoffs and Stuff
28355½ Khwaja Shamsuudin Azeemi Rd.
Karachi, Pakistan
Upon your failure of you to comply with the above instruction, IRS will refer your Case to FBI for immediate prosecution, impoundment of assets, enfreezement of bank accounts, garnishment of entrees, and lien-to preferment of accusation.
Upon receipt of the above moneys, IRS will cancel your debit and issue a document attesting Proof of Payment. Thank you immediately for your compliance with this important and serious matter.
Yours truly,
John Smith
IRS
Mike Mozart
http://tinyurl.com/n82nz6c
