Recently we published the debut column of the Review’s Ombudsman, whose job we define as representing the interests of the reader vis a vis The Sherman Oaks Review of Books—that is, to acknowledge reader complaints, apologize for errors we’ve made, and in general to be alive to readerly feelings and concerns.
We now take the opportunity to introduce our Ombudswoman, whose task will be exactly the opposite: to voice the Review’s complaints regarding its readers, to request apologies for readerly errors, and to announce and defend our own feelings and concerns.
To Editor:
Hulk big fan of Sherman Oaks Review of Books. (Hulk just move to Encino from Brentwood, so close enough to Sherman Oaks that Review is relevant to Hulk’s lifestyle.) Hulk like pictures of girls in bathing suits and food. Hulk also like funny charts. These make Hulk feel stimulated and alive! But Review have things Hulk don’t like. Hulk don’t like reviews of books about architecture. Don’t like. Hulk hate light verse! Hate! Hulk also not like history of Broadway musicals, pictures of birds, and festschrift commemorations of careers of epistemologists. Hate!
Yours truly,
Hulk
The Ombudswoman replies…
Thank you for your recent correspondence. The Review always appreciates receiving feedback from its readers, however sub-literate, and participating in lively debates about the articles it publishes. I will note, however, that Hulk errs if he (I assume the writer is male) is suggesting that the Review has published an article about, or a review of a book about, the history of Broadway musicals. We have published neither. For this presumption we expect require and demand an immediate and unequivocal apology. You will note that I struck out “expect.” I did so because I have learned, from bitter experience, not to expect decent or fair treatment from any man, no matter how seemingly civilized or purportedly “enlightened.”
To the Editor:
I am in the third grade at William McKinley Elementary School in Frederick, MD. We are doing a unit on print media in the 21st century. I would appreciate it if you could send me any information you have on print media. Thank you very much.
Yours truly,
Jimmy Larson
Ms. Taylor’s Class
The Ombudswoman replies…
Thank you for your recent correspondence. The Review always appreciates receiving feedback from its readers and participating in lively debates about the articles it publishes. Please don’t bother us. Do your own work. And stop looking to The Sherman Oaks Review of Books to solve all your problems.
To the Editor:
Is that you, Eleanor? I can’t believe it. I can’t fucking believe you followed me here, and actually sought and angled for a job that not only is the mirror image of mine, but will in fact counteract and un-do all the good I’m trying to accomplish here. And why? Because we broke up? IT HAPPENS. PEOPLE BREAK UP. RELATIONSHIPS END. I’m sorry. Well, I mean, I WAS sorry. But with this nasty piece of subversion—motivated, as usual, by self-pity and even spite. My sympathy for you (forget any lingering guilt) is quickly vaporizing. So just stop. Find a different job. Don’t allow yourself to be motivated by bitterness. Because you’ll never be happy.
Yours truly,
The Ombudsman
The Ombudswoman replies…
Thank you for your recent correspondence. The Review always appreciates receiving feedback from its readers and participating in lively debates about the articles it publishes. But no. You don’t just get to walk away.
