PERSONAL SERVICES
THE WRONG STUFF – Date absolute idiots. Seriously — these men and women are imbeciles. Feel smart, get them to pay for everything. www.moronsonparade.com (800) 555-34567.
SO YOU WANT TO BE A PHRENOLOGIST. Valuable pamphlet. American Academy of Being a Phrenologist. www.feelbumps.com
PROFESSIONAL EARWAX REMOVAL. All methods including Q-Tips, ear candles, fingertips. Also, blowjobs. SORB box 9773.
YOUR CAR DETAILED IN AN HOUR OR LESS. Excellent, careful work, top-quality emoluments and waxes used. Also, blowjobs. SORB Box 3190.
FIRST-RATE BLOW JOBS. Patient, resourceful, diligent. Also computer repair. PC and Mac. SORB box 4112.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO SAY? Tell it to your dog. I’m busy. SORB Box 8630.
PERSONALS
ATTRACTIVE, CREATIVE, FIT, STYLISH, CULTURED, ALLURING, ACCOMPLISHED, WARM, WITTY, GENEROUS, SEXY—Is that you? Really? Wow. Come on over. I’m a repellent slob—is that okay? SORB box 9331.
ME: MAHLER, DELILLO, DICKENS, ROTHKO, STRINDBERG, SONDHEIM, DOWNTON. YOU: Taylor Swift, Dan Brown, Keane, The Voice, Howard Stern. ME: Coq au vin, paella, carpaccio. You: Burgers, fries, nuggets. ME: Oh, really? Never mind, then. YOU: Huh? What’s wrong? ME: Nothing. It’s just… YOU: What? ME: We’re not compatible. It’s nothing personal. YOU: What does “compatible” mean? ME: It means we can’t compat. You: Huh? What–? ME: See? Have a nice day. SORB box 2004.
INTERNATIONAL RENTALS
ANDORRA. Entire country. 181 sq. miles. Total population about the size of a sold-out N.Y. Jets game. Mountains, valleys, rivers, the whole schmeer. Make us an offer.
RENTALS
FRENCH PROVINCIAL PARKING PLACE. Manhattan, East 80s. Recently renovated white-glove parking spot on doorman-protected sidewalk, all amenities, pets welcome. Convenient to subways, museums, Lycée Français, excellent north light. $3500/month or best offer.
SUBLETS
DELICIOUS, PHILA.-STYLE HOAGIE. Rent by the week or month. Real provolone, no American. Hot peppers extra.
USS MICHIGAN (SSGN-727). Ohio class. Nuclear-powered. Mark 48 torpedoes. 150 Tomahawk cruise missiles. Great for parties. No smoking, please. Reasonable rates.
FOR SALE
HOBO’S OBOES, DODOS, BUBOES, NO-DOZ, HO-HOS, YO-YOS, BONO’S BOO-BOOS, BOBO’S DILDOS. $1,000,000 OBO.
PUBLISHER’S INQUIRY
HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY GLASSES? I just had them. And no, don’t tell me “Are they on the top of your head?” because I nev– Oh. Okay, never mind.
FURNITURE WANTED
I STILL WANT FURNITURE. All the usual, plus ottomans. Will trade vegetables and/or piano lessons. SORB box 9902
