INTERNATIONAL RENTALS
PARIS. Spacious, quiet, beamed cathedral ceiling, stained glass cathedral windows, apse, nave, transept, cathedral crypt. Wait a minute. This is a cathedral. Not for rent. Never mind.
PARIS. Modern, unusual. Elevator building. That’s it–entire building is nothing but elevators. Each sleeps one, two max. Must like moving up and down. nausee@q.com
FRANCE, BURGUNDY—19th century farmhouse. 19th century farmer, family. 19th century crops, animals. Must have access to time machine to go to 19th century.
FLORENCE, PIAZZA S. CROCE—2BR, 2 bath, large kitchen, enormous living room, titanic dining room, WiFi, TV, A.C., indoor pool, ballroom, library, dishwasher, dishwasher’s husband, basketball court, spa. All mine. You can’t even look at it. Ha ha.
ROME—Small single room. 1 bed/bathroom facility. No kitchen. Meals served through slot in barred gate. I’m in jail. Come get me out. Prisoner4@tiscali.it
LES BANLIEUES DE PARIS. Short-term to permanent rentals always available in St-Ouen, Drancy, Clichy-sous-Bois, other terrifying locales on the far side of the Périphérique. Experience authentic émigré living in French “social housing,” spiced with North African flavors and a soupçon of désespoir. Some of these logement social apartments equipped with salles de bain privées, hotplates, furniture. Starting at 1200€/week. mustafa@daesh.fr; SORB Box 12.
KOBANI SYRIA. Adventure travelers, history buffs, fitness addicts will cherish this opportunity. Camp out in rough-hewn urban wilderness while helping rebuild city CNN describes as “70 percent destroyed.” Bring own tent, tools, generator, medical supplies, water, food, money. No charge for “campsites.” dr.assad@gov.sy
SUMMER RENTALS
AMERICAN IDYLL. House to swap available in Flint, Michigan, one week to ??? Three BRs, two baths, running water. Get a “taste” of the heartland and see what all the fuss is about! Will swap for house/apartment anyplace else. Seriously. Anyplace. SORB Box 155.
PERSONAL SERVICES
MY HUSBAND AND I WILL EAT YOUR CAR. We do all the paperwork, and he’ll eat that, too. He’s a nut! Reasonable rates. autophagiste@blahblah.com
LET ME BLOW YOUR MIND THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY. Professional trepannist. Sanitary facility. Minimal shaving. Group rates. SORB Box 3008.
RESPONSIBLE PLANT SITTER. I will sit next to your responsible plant. Conversation extra. No weirdos. SORB Box 1558.
LIVE IN YOUR OWN HOME. Watch tv, go online, read, putter around. Cook in your own kitchen. Sleep in your own bed. Do whatever you want and I’ll leave you alone. Send ten dollars to SORB Box 5597. Okay, five.
FURNITURE WANTED
I WANT FURNITURE. Sofa, coffee table, arm chairs; lamps, bookcase, side table. Leave them in an unmarked U-Haul behind the Bethesda Home Depot and nobody will get hurt. No cops. I mean it.
PERSONALS
ENCINO AREA: DWM, AT, WBFPL, PhD NYM, BLT AVAIL BSO, seeks SF SF SFw w/ T&A for B&D, S&M. No LGBT S.V.P. Divorced white male with automatic transmission, wood-burning fireplace, a PhD in the New York Mets, who makes bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches available to the Boston Symphony Orchestra, seeks San Francisco-based single female science fiction writer with tits and ass for bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism. No lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transsexuals s’il vous plait. SORB Box 9126.
YOU: Sassy, perky, fit ‘n’ fabulous, zippy, zingy, lotsa pizzazz. ME: Ugh, you sound unbearable. Stay away.
UTAH AREA: Handsome WM, devout Mormon, 47, married, 4 wives, ISO 3-8 Mormon women for friendship, romance, possible all-girl orchestra. Must be discreet, flexible. Spreadsheet schedule downloadable on request.
NYC: SF, 36, svelte, slender, slim, thin, petite, skinny, lean, emaciated, anorexic, skeletal. Get me while I’m still visible to the naked eye. SORB Box 7721.
RANCHO CUCAMONGA: I’M A PRETENTIOUS IDIOT. Did you know that? Well, you do now. CW Cooke, Rancho Cucamonga Review of Books.
