If an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters typed for an infinite amount of time, sooner or later one of them would write Hamlet, is a trope familiar to philosophers and monkey fans alike, and is beloved of typewriter manufacturers, to the extent that there still are any.
And then they did, and Hamlet was a smash, and the rest is history. But, as with every famous group project, the aftermath of such an accomplishment usually goes unheralded. That is why we were so pleased to discover, online, this rundown of the post-Hamlet lives of the monkeys whose playwriting triumph has inspired so many. That their fates have proved so various and contrasting should provide an object lesson in something that really makes you stop and think. Ed.
Patsy, Ian – Orchestrated flash mobs with Jane Goodall.
Dink – Wrote romance novel under pseudonym Gwen Callie Fortune, consisting of single sentence (“His heart, like his whip, was dark and metallic”) repeated for 145 pages. Sold ten million copies.
Alexia, Danny, Thaddeus – Went on “Shark Tank,” got $150,000 from Lori Greiner for their all-natural feces stain remover “Shoo Flinger.”
Ciao – Suffered through drug spiral, ironically was killed by a friend, a coked-up monkey who jumped on his back and choked him.
Moises – Found an apartment and got a job in nearby grocery store, but was unable to readjust to civilian life. Travelled to a stone wall in Buxton, Maine and discovered money hidden in a box there by another Hamlet-typist monkey named Virgil. Used the money to join Virgil in Zihuatanejo, where they created an online transcription service. (“Our quality is evolutionarily superior”)
Norbert – Fell in love with a cat, scandalized family.
Galen – Became an actor, best known for his motion capture performance in “Andy Serkis: A Life.”
Tamika, Harvey – Engaged in long Twitter fight over which one typed, “Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!”
Vaughn, Marceline, Denham, Frederica – Joined group devoted to proving the original Hamlet was written by an infinite number of monkeys commissioned by Francis Bacon.
Tosha – Ran for office in Georgia, refused to answer questions about evolution.
Jacqueline, Lachlan, Artie, Aaron – Jacqueline and Lachlan married, then divorced; Tamika and Aaron married, then divorced. Lachlan, fastidious, later shared an apartment with Aaron but was driven crazy by Aaron’s inability (“’Inability’? Unwillingness!”) to pick up his stuff from the floor..
Mr. X – Became viral video star after riding atop a turtle on a Roomba.
Erasmus – Assisted woman with spinal cord injury. Strange psychological battle of wills ensued, followed by inspirational resolution in which both learned valuable life lessons.
Steve, Winky, Odette, Sheryl, Gilbert – Joined PETA to expose other monkeys being forced to type “What Happened to the Infinite Number of Monkeys After They Typed Hamlet.”
Manuel, Rosalind, Janis – Spearheaded petition to change name “monkey bars” to “exalted climbing apparatus.”
Karl, Bonnie, Simone – Traced ancestry to Africa, travelled there and discovered a man who had been lost in jungle as a child and was subsequently raised by Mangani great apes. The man possessed no extraordinary skills, spent most days smoking weed and was a general embarrassment to everyone in the jungle.
Miguel, Eugenia – Began website “Monkeys That Look Like Ron Swanson.”
Willard – After dabbling in the occult, created a religion based on the concept of an evil space ape that brought billions of monkeys to Earth in spaceships that looked like airplanes and dropped them into volcanoes that looked like volcanoes.
Rosalind – Withdrew from friends and family, had trouble sleeping, suffered nervous breakdown, diagnosed with chronic major depression, was prescribed Effexor and Wellbutrin and then Lexapro, attempted suicide, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, was prescribed Depakote and Seroquel, briefly hired on writing staff of “The Newsroom,” frequently rewritten by Aaron Sorkin, attempted suicide, found Jesus, was guided by spirit and new energy, joined local choir, became involved with a divorced man and his young son, attempted suicide, was hospitalized, disappeared or possibly kidnapped, last thought to be seen in Audubon, Kentucky. If you have any information, please call (number deleted).
Antony, Leanne, Ethel – Took over as studio heads at Sony Pictures, greenlit trenchant eco-terror drama “Yes, Mr. President: We Have No Bananas.”
Cornelius – Disappointed father by turning back on family tradition of becoming organ grinder sidekick; studied flugelhorn instead.
Antony II, Genevieve, Karessa – Emerged from time machine to discover futuristic society where a thousand humans are typing “Curious George.”
Cap’n Peanuts – Became United Nations ambassador, travelled the world. His plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Louise, Boris, Kwamii, Cecil – Became fact-checkers on CNN.
Chester – Began popular seminar “How to Randomly Type Already Existing Plays for the Beginner.”
Roland, Destiny, MaryLee, Thea – Opened gourmet food truck (No Monkey-Related Food Pun on Wheels™) from converted dead animal removal vehicle.
Monty – Took time off to ponder what he had accomplished in all his time typing Hamlet. What, if anything, did it mean to duplicate something that had already been written? Was it just a mimetic feat used by greater powers to prove a mathematical theorem that had no bearing on him? Or did it reveal a spark of creative genius that those greater powers could not have foreseen but inadvertently awakened? Where did the infinite number of monkeys come from and were they asking these same questions? Monty considered this and began to formulate a plot to avenge himself upon those who had subjugated him and his kind, stuck him in a drab room, and forced them all to pound away on keyboards. Payback would not be easy, but when it came, it would be sweet. Oh, yes, it would be sweet.
Topo – Temporarily replaced Brian Williams as NBC News anchor, eventually fired for repeatedly insisting he typed The Odyssey.
Kenny, April, Lorenzo, Gwendolyn, Erin – Appeared in rotating series of GEICO and Old Navy commercials.
Stu – After mapping out extensive details for payback, had a beer and calmed down.
Philomena, Vivienne, Ishmael – Co-hosted Celebrity Animal Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky on Animal Planet. (First season: Magilla Gorilla, Mighty Joe Youngest, Marcel from Friends, Bastard of Kong)
The remaining monkeys began the process of typing King Lear while being filmed by Richard Linklater.
